Sunday, December 12, 2010

The Human Centipede (First Sequence)

The Human Centipede is a movie I've been hearing about for awhile now and knew that I would end up seeing it eventually just out of shear curiosity. It's like when you drive by an accident, part of you doesn't want to look, but there's always the other part that makes you rubberneck and look back. That is what this movie is, an accident that you can't help but look at.

The movie opens with a creepy looking guy parked on the side of the road looking at pictures. Pictures of what? Why his Rottweiler centipede of course. Shortly after this, a trucker pulls up and gets out to relieve himself in the woods. The creepy guy in the car then follows the trucker with a rifle and then we cut to two college age girls heading out for a night on the town in Germany. My thoughts are these girls haven't seen Hostel or even the Brazilian knock off Turistas, newest horror lesson being if you don't know the country you're in stay out of it. But they head out into the night looking for a club in the middle of the woods? Okay, I can buy they get lost, they've never been to Germany before, but at some point don't you start to think, "Dorothy we're not in Kansas anymore?". Well, their tire pops and now they're stuck out in the middle of nowhere. Luckily a friendly motorist pulls up and offers to bring them back to his house for some group sex. It's funny. Not rape, let me finish. It's funny that at some point while watching this movie you'll find yourself thinking, "if only they went with the rapey guy they would've had a better night." Now if you are reading this review after that last comment then you've already seen this monstrosity and are curious just how I feel about it or you prefer not to waste your time and would rather live vicariously through me...

Either way, here we go! The girls decide to abandon their vehicle and head off into the woods. I mean, if there are rapists on the roads the dark woods have to be safer, right? So running through the dark woods (did I mention that it starts to rain?) the girls find themselves at a house in the clearing (there's a light). The house just happens to be owned by the creepy guy who we previously saw kidnapping the pooping trucker (we've come full circle, and who didn't see it coming?). The creepy guy lets the two girls come in who have repeatedly identified themselves as Lindsey and Jenny, don't believe me? Then try taking a shot for every time one of them says one of their names when they're talking to each other. I guarantee you'll either black out before the movie really starts or you'll enjoy it a whole lot more. So with the two girls now in his house he locks the door behind them, usually a sign that I don't want to be where I am, before sitting them down on the couch, pretending to make a helpful phone call while mixing them a roofie cocktail (I prefer mine with two olives).

Guess what happens next? If you guessed the creepy man turns out to be a crazy retired surgeon who specialized in separating Siamese Twins that is hell bent on creating a human centipede then you guessed right. Sure I skipped over some stuff, like he has a lab in his basement and the pooping trucker wasn't compatible so he killed him, and replaced him with a very pissed off japanese man but who cares about any of that. The only reason one would watch a movie called the human centipede is well, to see a human centipede and if that is why you watched this movie then you will not be disappointed! If you watched this movie because you wanted to watch a horror movie, then you might be. This film would be roped in with the Saw franchise or Hostel but I think that would be unfair to the other films; those movies both share their moments of pure gross-out look how far we can push it moments but they have plots (minus Saw 3D). The Human Centipede is just a set up with no delivery. I mean yes, it promises a human centipede and that is delivered, but we really don't need to sit through the whole movie to get there. If you are debating watching this film and haven't made up your mind yet, then I'd encourage you to look at some stills on the internet and call it a day. You'll save yourself time and you're really not miss anything. This isn't a film I'll be adding to my collection anytime soon, but like the World's biggest horse you can see at the fair, I paid my twenty-five cents worth and that is what I got...