I wasn’t even sure if I was going
to commit these words to a blog. I mean, this almost felt like the situation in
The Ring; I had watched something so rotten and foul that it threatened to eat
my soul from the inside out… That is, if I didn’t share my experience with
others. So now I had a choice. Do I take the responsible route and pretend that
I never watched the “tape” and just lose my soul? Or do I talk about what I saw
and allow others to get curious enough to watch it themselves and then it
claims them too? Just what movie did I watch to invoke such a guttural
response? I’ll admit it; I fell into the trap again… Quarter in hand, I once
again lined up outside the freak show and watched, The Human Centipede II: Full Sequence…
I know I know, I didn’t really
“enjoy” the first one, but what can I say? Cruising down the information
superhighway a tractor-trailer carrying a payload of liquid nitrogen collided
with a school bus full of special children on a field trip and I just… had… to
see. I had to; this wasn’t a choice. I watched the first one and I just had to
know where writer/director Tom Six would go next. And if you’re looking for an
exercise in bad taste, or to watch horrific imagery just for the sake of
watching it, then this is the movie for you. I won’t waste time talking about
plot because, well, the movie didn’t waste too much time with it either so why
should I?
Meet Martin, our movies…protagonist?
Really? We’re going to watch this film through his prospective? Already you
should feel your skin crawl a little. Maybe this guy isn’t that creepy in real
life, but it’s hard to believe this is all “acting.” Anyway, Martin is obsessed
with the movie The Human Centipede: First Sequence (see what they did there?
They went Meta) and watches it repeatedly while he works as a parking lot
attendant in what seems to be an underground parking garage. Before you have
time to really say “Hi” to our main man, a verbal fight breaks out between a
guy and his girlfriend in the garage; it seems they’re locked out of their car.
But don’t worry, Martin grabs his crowbar and he’s off to… assist them?
Crowbar? Wait, what? Yeah, the movie starts that quick. It’s like, “Meet
Martin. He really, really likes The Human Centipede and oh, he’s going to try
and make his own. These are his first
victims… Enjoy!”
I won’t bore you with too many
details because at this point, you’re either saying to yourself, “Why does he
watch this crap?” or “Oh man I can’t wait to see this thing.” Either way, I
don’t want to “spoil” too much for you, that way you can walk into it
semi-blind like I did. But I only have one sort of spoiler question for you. So
if you haven’t seen this movie and don’t want anything ruined stop reading…
Now!
***SPOILER ALERT***
Okay, so the movie establishes that
Martin is mentally challenged and was repeatedly sexually abused by his father
who is now in jail. Also, Martin’s creepy doctor wants to have sex with him
(but who doesn’t, he’s quite the looker) I digress… What I’m getting at is the
mentally incapacitated Martin never talks… Not once through the entire film. He
screams, he grunts, he cries, he masturbates with sandpaper while he watches
The Human Centipede (explained away earlier by the rapey Doctor, it’s normal
for children who suffered from sexual abuse to mutilate their own sexual
organs) I further digress… My point being, how does he make the phone call to
Ashlynn Yennie’s people? Yeah, that’s right, we have a return actress only this
time she isn’t playing a “role” in a “film”. She isn’t her character from The
Human Centipede Jenny, she’s just a struggling actress who thinks she is
auditioning for a role in the latest Quentin Tarantino film (I wonder how Mr.
Tarantino felt about his nod?). Somehow Martin calls her people and explains
he’s casting for the latest Tarantino film? So he does talk? Just not on
screen? Or does he have someone working with him? We know it’s not his Mom
because he brutally murders her, we know it’s not his doctor because once again
dead… Who could be making these phone calls? The movie ends with him back in
his booth watching The Human Centipede again, so was all this a dream? A sick
twisted dream of Martin’s? But if this was all a dream, then why wouldn’t he
succeed? Why would he fail in his own dream? Well maybe this unanswered
question will be answered in The Human Centipede III: Final Sequence (that’s
right there’s another one).
***SPOILERS END***
So there you have it, The Human
Centipede II: Full Sequence, probably one of the sickest movies I’ve ever
watched. I actually felt dirty and pretty awful that I had subjected my wife to
such horrors (“we have such sights to show you”). This movie will join the
growing list of movies I’ve felt guilt towards showing the fairer sex along
with I Spit on Your Grave (1978), Last House on the Left (1972),
Suburbia (the Penelope Spheeris not SubUrbia although I might feel bad about
watching that too), Irreversible, Pink Flamingos, and The Toxic Avenger (who
knew the seeing eye dog shooting scene would still bother people? Oh yeah,
Troma has said that scene more than any other has received more hate mail. For
more information, read All I Need to Know about Filmmaking I Learned from the Toxic Avenger). I will leave you with a warning though, if you ever make a new
friend and you happen to go over to their place and as you hunt around through
their stuff you happen across a copy of The Human Centipede II: Full Sequence,
Get out of there! Get out there immediately and don’t drink anything they offer
you…
No comments:
Post a Comment