Saturday, November 19, 2011

The Human Centipede II: Full Sequence

I wasn’t even sure if I was going to commit these words to a blog. I mean, this almost felt like the situation in The Ring; I had watched something so rotten and foul that it threatened to eat my soul from the inside out… That is, if I didn’t share my experience with others. So now I had a choice. Do I take the responsible route and pretend that I never watched the “tape” and just lose my soul? Or do I talk about what I saw and allow others to get curious enough to watch it themselves and then it claims them too? Just what movie did I watch to invoke such a guttural response? I’ll admit it; I fell into the trap again… Quarter in hand, I once again lined up outside the freak show and watched, The Human Centipede II: Full Sequence
I know I know, I didn’t really “enjoy” the first one, but what can I say? Cruising down the information superhighway a tractor-trailer carrying a payload of liquid nitrogen collided with a school bus full of special children on a field trip and I just… had… to see. I had to; this wasn’t a choice. I watched the first one and I just had to know where writer/director Tom Six would go next. And if you’re looking for an exercise in bad taste, or to watch horrific imagery just for the sake of watching it, then this is the movie for you. I won’t waste time talking about plot because, well, the movie didn’t waste too much time with it either so why should I?
Meet Martin, our movies…protagonist? Really? We’re going to watch this film through his prospective? Already you should feel your skin crawl a little. Maybe this guy isn’t that creepy in real life, but it’s hard to believe this is all “acting.” Anyway, Martin is obsessed with the movie The Human Centipede: First Sequence (see what they did there? They went Meta) and watches it repeatedly while he works as a parking lot attendant in what seems to be an underground parking garage. Before you have time to really say “Hi” to our main man, a verbal fight breaks out between a guy and his girlfriend in the garage; it seems they’re locked out of their car. But don’t worry, Martin grabs his crowbar and he’s off to… assist them? Crowbar? Wait, what? Yeah, the movie starts that quick. It’s like, “Meet Martin. He really, really likes The Human Centipede and oh, he’s going to try and make his own.  These are his first victims… Enjoy!”

I won’t bore you with too many details because at this point, you’re either saying to yourself, “Why does he watch this crap?” or “Oh man I can’t wait to see this thing.” Either way, I don’t want to “spoil” too much for you, that way you can walk into it semi-blind like I did. But I only have one sort of spoiler question for you. So if you haven’t seen this movie and don’t want anything ruined stop reading… Now!

***SPOILER ALERT***      
Okay, so the movie establishes that Martin is mentally challenged and was repeatedly sexually abused by his father who is now in jail. Also, Martin’s creepy doctor wants to have sex with him (but who doesn’t, he’s quite the looker) I digress… What I’m getting at is the mentally incapacitated Martin never talks… Not once through the entire film. He screams, he grunts, he cries, he masturbates with sandpaper while he watches The Human Centipede (explained away earlier by the rapey Doctor, it’s normal for children who suffered from sexual abuse to mutilate their own sexual organs) I further digress… My point being, how does he make the phone call to Ashlynn Yennie’s people? Yeah, that’s right, we have a return actress only this time she isn’t playing a “role” in a “film”. She isn’t her character from The Human Centipede Jenny, she’s just a struggling actress who thinks she is auditioning for a role in the latest Quentin Tarantino film (I wonder how Mr. Tarantino felt about his nod?). Somehow Martin calls her people and explains he’s casting for the latest Tarantino film? So he does talk? Just not on screen? Or does he have someone working with him? We know it’s not his Mom because he brutally murders her, we know it’s not his doctor because once again dead… Who could be making these phone calls? The movie ends with him back in his booth watching The Human Centipede again, so was all this a dream? A sick twisted dream of Martin’s? But if this was all a dream, then why wouldn’t he succeed? Why would he fail in his own dream? Well maybe this unanswered question will be answered in The Human Centipede III: Final Sequence (that’s right there’s another one).

So there you have it, The Human Centipede II: Full Sequence, probably one of the sickest movies I’ve ever watched. I actually felt dirty and pretty awful that I had subjected my wife to such horrors (“we have such sights to show you”). This movie will join the growing list of movies I’ve felt guilt towards showing the fairer sex along with I Spit on Your Grave (1978), Last House on the Left (1972), Suburbia (the Penelope Spheeris not SubUrbia although I might feel bad about watching that too), Irreversible, Pink Flamingos, and The Toxic Avenger (who knew the seeing eye dog shooting scene would still bother people? Oh yeah, Troma has said that scene more than any other has received more hate mail. For more information, read All I Need to Know about Filmmaking I Learned from the Toxic Avenger). I will leave you with a warning though, if you ever make a new friend and you happen to go over to their place and as you hunt around through their stuff you happen across a copy of The Human Centipede II: Full Sequence, Get out of there! Get out there immediately and don’t drink anything they offer you…